The vow to nurture my children, and deliver them safely to adulthood was my prime objective, and fueled my journey through many trials for 30 or so years. While I remain their devoted mother forever, my job is done. They are grown. I have to find new reasons to go on.
Depression is a beast, mania, a constant struggle to channel.
Apparently I suffer delusions, and there is no convincing my doctors otherwise.
But I hear songs no one else hears.
It seems natural to me that I would see a thing here or there that no one else sees.
I can function in this world, but just barely.
I think it is the strain of so much input that sabatages my attempts to join the world in a meaningful way job-wise.
My system goes haywire in the marketplace.
My hearing gets better, my vision gets worse.
Florescent lighting, beeps, and blings, the stares, the summations, the emotions swirling are loud, so loud.
I hate it.
Maybe there is a name for it, but I try not to listen to names, for you can believe your label and maybe think you're sick when you just have different wiring, just a little tricky to handle, even with meds.
So as good as I am at "book-learning," I have never been able to translate what I can do into a "real" job, and have been forced to be one of the working poor, paying my college loans out of my tip money.
My every attempt at a higher paying job began with me bucking myself up and then squishing myself into the part. It never worked, not even once. I've had to accept that I can only be what I am and find the job that can benefit from what I've learned.
My decision to go to Library School was made by scanning the world for a real job where I could fit. I refuse to end my life begging and borrowing from my children, eating turnips and wondering how to pay the light bill. I thought I had a real chance of being able to stay at a job in the library. I could use my B.S. and I could prevent being a burden to my children in the future.
Going to Library School has opened my eyes.
Librarians can work in a wide variety of settings.
You just have to find your niche.
Showing posts with label library school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label library school. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
KD Rouse/Library School & Finding My Niche
In our first semester of library school, Dr. Hersberger assured us in her calm, matter-of-fact way, that there was a niche for each of us in the library world, giving us tips on how we might find this niche if it wasn't apparent.
Even though she spoke to the whole class, the others dropped away when she said this, and I heard her speak to me alone.
She upset my entire plan, and allowed me to dare to seek my ideal library niche.
As much as I love children and literature for children, I love being free to roam the library field, imagining where I fit the best.
Most of my classes have had projects involving topics of our choice, and I have chosen science and biology topics rather than the type of children's lit or humanities topics I usually choose.
This has given me confidence that I can research, understand and relate information about topics outside my comfort zone.
It also dawned on me that if the information exists, as a future Librarian, I should be able to find it. This knowledge is empowering because I have been flummoxed by how to get from here to there on several areas of my life.
I now know that if I can formulate the question, I can find the answer.
I started Library School because I figured if I had to work a real job, the Library was a good setting. I planned on being an elementary school librarian because I could finally use my teaching certificate in a viable way after 30 years of disuse.
I figured I had just about enough work life left in me to prevent being a burden to my children in my old age.
Throughout our trials, I always figured I'd worry about myself later.
When my youngest child left home, that time began.
But Dr. Hersberger invited me to dream and explore--things I love, and by dreaming and exploring, I am learning where my niche lies and where it does not.
Even though she spoke to the whole class, the others dropped away when she said this, and I heard her speak to me alone.
She upset my entire plan, and allowed me to dare to seek my ideal library niche.
As much as I love children and literature for children, I love being free to roam the library field, imagining where I fit the best.
Most of my classes have had projects involving topics of our choice, and I have chosen science and biology topics rather than the type of children's lit or humanities topics I usually choose.
This has given me confidence that I can research, understand and relate information about topics outside my comfort zone.
It also dawned on me that if the information exists, as a future Librarian, I should be able to find it. This knowledge is empowering because I have been flummoxed by how to get from here to there on several areas of my life.
I now know that if I can formulate the question, I can find the answer.
I started Library School because I figured if I had to work a real job, the Library was a good setting. I planned on being an elementary school librarian because I could finally use my teaching certificate in a viable way after 30 years of disuse.
I figured I had just about enough work life left in me to prevent being a burden to my children in my old age.
Throughout our trials, I always figured I'd worry about myself later.
When my youngest child left home, that time began.
But Dr. Hersberger invited me to dream and explore--things I love, and by dreaming and exploring, I am learning where my niche lies and where it does not.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Information is Useless If It Cannot Be Accessed, etc.
On the night of the funeral, four daughters stand side by side in the dark, watching their homeplace burn.
Should we call the fire department?
Not yet, says the youngest. Wait.
We wait until its much too late, feeling our burden lift as the house collapses in a ball of flames.
Then we drink tequila in the graveyard, laughing.
At least that's how we dreamed it one time when our youngest pointed out that someday it would all be ours.
Inheritance is not an easy topic with the hoarder's child.
And too, there is an unspoken horror of becoming a hoarder too. What if it's genetic or catching?
Daughters 1 & 3(me) have minimal possessions to maintain order. We let go more than we keep.
Daughters 2 & 4 have a comfortable place for everything and everything in its place, masters of creating and using space.
Hoarding is an illustration of what could happen to information if the Library did not exist. We'd have heaps and piles of information without a way to access it. Information that cannot be accessed is useless, just as possessions are useless if they cannot be found.
I did not realize that my propensity to organize, group, list, and catalog my own life and information was a characteristic befitting a library school student.
I have written to understand, to clarify my many voices, to make sense of my barrages of sensation, to organize my thoughts, to locate what I think, to keep a record of my attitudes, for comfort.
When I assimilate my input or information and write, I feel an obligation to share what I've learned.
It matters not to me if it is read, but it feels wrong not to share what I've learned.
What good is my knowledge if it is buried when I am?
However, what I consider Knowledge simply becomes Information when I share it.
The symbiotic relationship between Information and Knowledge is intriguing, and as far as I can ascertain, they continually morph from one to another in crazy eights.
My knowledge is your potential information.
But my "knowledge" could be "wrong", or useless to another, which leads to considerations of perception and belief, where "right" and "wrong" are subjective.
My job is to share, however, and I cannot concern myself with how or if I will be received.
A story or a song carries with it, a sense of obligation, a feeling that is not really a story or a song if it is not offered up to the universe with the potential to be read or heard.
Humanity's upward spirals are due to sharing information, most easily seen by the breakthroughs in science by continual sharing, use, and assimiliation of knowledge.
Even scientific theory that has proven to be wrong has been important in the evolution of scientific knowledge, providing fodder for ideas, starting points for more accurate research, or acting as gauntlets thrown to other scientists.
I am grateful to authors like Martha Graham, and Maya Angelou, Thoreau, Adam Smith, Benjamin Franklin, Zen Masters, and countless others, that changed my life by speaking to me. Where would I be without them? How would I understand the meaning of my life without their wisdom and voice? I would be alone in the darkness, ashamed and untamed, unworthy to live, a mistaken vessel.
Alive or dead, my author/mentors reached out and spoke to me, cheering me on through life, advising and comforting, without ever knowing their impact on their future readers' lives.
Aside from doing harm to others, the only real "sin" I can ascertain is "hiding your light under a bushel basket," i.e. not sharing.
Whoever you are and whatever you have to offer must be shared or it is nothing.
Should we call the fire department?
Not yet, says the youngest. Wait.
We wait until its much too late, feeling our burden lift as the house collapses in a ball of flames.
Then we drink tequila in the graveyard, laughing.
At least that's how we dreamed it one time when our youngest pointed out that someday it would all be ours.
Inheritance is not an easy topic with the hoarder's child.
And too, there is an unspoken horror of becoming a hoarder too. What if it's genetic or catching?
Daughters 1 & 3(me) have minimal possessions to maintain order. We let go more than we keep.
Daughters 2 & 4 have a comfortable place for everything and everything in its place, masters of creating and using space.
Hoarding is an illustration of what could happen to information if the Library did not exist. We'd have heaps and piles of information without a way to access it. Information that cannot be accessed is useless, just as possessions are useless if they cannot be found.
I did not realize that my propensity to organize, group, list, and catalog my own life and information was a characteristic befitting a library school student.
I have written to understand, to clarify my many voices, to make sense of my barrages of sensation, to organize my thoughts, to locate what I think, to keep a record of my attitudes, for comfort.
When I assimilate my input or information and write, I feel an obligation to share what I've learned.
It matters not to me if it is read, but it feels wrong not to share what I've learned.
What good is my knowledge if it is buried when I am?
However, what I consider Knowledge simply becomes Information when I share it.
The symbiotic relationship between Information and Knowledge is intriguing, and as far as I can ascertain, they continually morph from one to another in crazy eights.
My knowledge is your potential information.
But my "knowledge" could be "wrong", or useless to another, which leads to considerations of perception and belief, where "right" and "wrong" are subjective.
My job is to share, however, and I cannot concern myself with how or if I will be received.
A story or a song carries with it, a sense of obligation, a feeling that is not really a story or a song if it is not offered up to the universe with the potential to be read or heard.
Humanity's upward spirals are due to sharing information, most easily seen by the breakthroughs in science by continual sharing, use, and assimiliation of knowledge.
Even scientific theory that has proven to be wrong has been important in the evolution of scientific knowledge, providing fodder for ideas, starting points for more accurate research, or acting as gauntlets thrown to other scientists.
I am grateful to authors like Martha Graham, and Maya Angelou, Thoreau, Adam Smith, Benjamin Franklin, Zen Masters, and countless others, that changed my life by speaking to me. Where would I be without them? How would I understand the meaning of my life without their wisdom and voice? I would be alone in the darkness, ashamed and untamed, unworthy to live, a mistaken vessel.
Alive or dead, my author/mentors reached out and spoke to me, cheering me on through life, advising and comforting, without ever knowing their impact on their future readers' lives.
Aside from doing harm to others, the only real "sin" I can ascertain is "hiding your light under a bushel basket," i.e. not sharing.
Whoever you are and whatever you have to offer must be shared or it is nothing.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
KD Rouse: My Angle(s) & Approach to Internet Publishing
I am approaching my study of internet from three major points of interest:
1) I am a Library School student, very interested in the impact digital publishing has on the library, the publishing industry, the librarian and the book.
I am curious about the future.
Is the future library going to be a museum like some predict? (1)
What is the library facing with the onslaught of digitized information?
What are library leaders doing to ensure the library remains vibrant in the future?
Do we need to make ourselves technological leaders in order to maintain a central part of society or do we keep a place "right behind the curve?"
I am concerned about the future of the library.
We are fine now but we are on shaky ground with the current teens and subsequent generations.
Interest in the library is consistency ranked the lowest among today's teens as compared to other age groups. (2)
For the library of the future to maintain its value to the tech-savvy, multi-media generations of the future, it
will need to speed up the tempo, add more noise, food and drink except in the archives( a branch that is a museum) and provide experiences in information that can't be had as effectively as at home.
Our current teens were born to technology and have accepted rapid changes of format. They don't miss vinyl records, Beta tapes, or black and white TV, and I don't think they will miss the traditional bound book.
I think they will accept the latest, greatest, and think the bound book cumbersome and antiquated.
What is the library of the future?
2) I am an author of stories and songs, wondering where and how to publish. What are the options? Is it better to try to get an agent? Should I bypass trying to get published traditionally? Are there free options on the web that I can use to achieve the same results promised by expensive publishing packages?
3) I am a future promoter wanting my author to achieve her goals. What are effective methods of promotion on the web? Is it possible to bring an unknown author to the attention of the reading public without support from paid alliances with internet giants? My author has had a hap-hazard history with spotty promotion attempts before losing interest. To be an effective marketer, I need a systematic, well planned approach, taking stock of what works and what doesn't.
For a more complete listing, see Bibliography page in sidebar
1) Weiss, Laura. "Buildings, books, and bytes: Libraries and communities in the digital age." APLIS 10, no. 3: 163, 1997. Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost (accessed July 1, 2011).
2) Borawski, C. "Beyond the Book: Literacy in the Digital Age." Children & Libraries: The Journal of the Association for Library Service to Children 7, no. 3: 53-54, 2009. Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost (accessed July 1, 2011).
1) I am a Library School student, very interested in the impact digital publishing has on the library, the publishing industry, the librarian and the book.
I am curious about the future.
Is the future library going to be a museum like some predict? (1)
What is the library facing with the onslaught of digitized information?
What are library leaders doing to ensure the library remains vibrant in the future?
Do we need to make ourselves technological leaders in order to maintain a central part of society or do we keep a place "right behind the curve?"
I am concerned about the future of the library.
We are fine now but we are on shaky ground with the current teens and subsequent generations.
Interest in the library is consistency ranked the lowest among today's teens as compared to other age groups. (2)
For the library of the future to maintain its value to the tech-savvy, multi-media generations of the future, it
will need to speed up the tempo, add more noise, food and drink except in the archives( a branch that is a museum) and provide experiences in information that can't be had as effectively as at home.
Our current teens were born to technology and have accepted rapid changes of format. They don't miss vinyl records, Beta tapes, or black and white TV, and I don't think they will miss the traditional bound book.
I think they will accept the latest, greatest, and think the bound book cumbersome and antiquated.
What is the library of the future?
2) I am an author of stories and songs, wondering where and how to publish. What are the options? Is it better to try to get an agent? Should I bypass trying to get published traditionally? Are there free options on the web that I can use to achieve the same results promised by expensive publishing packages?
3) I am a future promoter wanting my author to achieve her goals. What are effective methods of promotion on the web? Is it possible to bring an unknown author to the attention of the reading public without support from paid alliances with internet giants? My author has had a hap-hazard history with spotty promotion attempts before losing interest. To be an effective marketer, I need a systematic, well planned approach, taking stock of what works and what doesn't.
For a more complete listing, see Bibliography page in sidebar
1) Weiss, Laura. "Buildings, books, and bytes: Libraries and communities in the digital age." APLIS 10, no. 3: 163, 1997. Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost (accessed July 1, 2011).
2) Borawski, C. "Beyond the Book: Literacy in the Digital Age." Children & Libraries: The Journal of the Association for Library Service to Children 7, no. 3: 53-54, 2009. Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost (accessed July 1, 2011).
Dr. Hersberger & Dr. Carmichael, LIS UNC-G (My favorite professors) & Me
Despite my trepidation, my decision to go to graduate school for Library and Information Studies at University of North Carolina, has been a positive, quietly life-changing, experience.
I was lucky enough to begin my continued education in Fall 2011, with what I call the Dream-Team, Dr. Hersberger and Dr. Carmichael, for two required courses, Intro to Library, and Research. I don't think I would have realized that Library School was the right place for me if I had started my coursework with any two other classes or professors.
I started Library School, beaten down and unsure.
Was I worth going into debt to go to school when I never even used my undergrad degree professionally?
While I raised three children successfully, and have had brushes with fame as a performing singer-songwriter, I have never been able to fit into the confines of a responsible job, preferring what I call Gypsy Jobs, such as waiting tables, and cleaning houses, living on the edge with my mind free, rolling with the roller coaster of bi-polarism, and putting the roundy rounds of a.d.d. to use.
Any responsibility besides my dedication to my children felt like an unbearable anchor on my shoulders, one I couldn't bear.
I taught 5th grade from Dec. to May in the early 90's and never went back. I was a star when I did my coursework for being a teacher, but the real job did not translate.
I felt hopelessly overwhelmed.
I lacked the air of authority and matter-of-factness crucial to a successful teacher.
I wanted to mother the children like my own and take them on learning adventures (!) but it was impossible.
Teaching and mothering, it turned out, were very different, something I had not realized while in school. First and foremost, a teacher has to have total control over his/her classroom to even begin to teach.
I realized the time and dedication it would take to become what I considered to be a good teacher was more than I could promise. I'd rather be a good mother/bum than a good teacher/frantic, overwhelmed, burnt-out-on-children-mother.
It looked absurd, even to me, paying my college loans with my waitress tips, and dancing on the edge of poverty with three children, but there you have it.
It is all I could do.
I could only function when my mind and expectations were my own in a job that was easy to find and easy to leave, and flexible enough to always be available for my childrens' special events.
I preferred renting our houses because if you have "nothing," you have nothing to lose.
I preferred putting my worst foot forward, flying under the radar and being invisible, for it gives you miles of freedom in your head.
I refused ceilings as man-made, replacing ceilings with sky. There I found vaulting freedom.
So....am I worth going into debt to go to Library School when I never even used my undergrad degree professionally? Will I do the same thing? Love the school part and hate the real job?
Fortunately, I had Dr. Hersberger and Dr. Carmichael in my first semester, both amazing, inspiring teachers.
The comaraderie I feel and the friendships I've made with my classmates are due to Dr. Hersberger's thought-provoking, but fun, interactive games. She's quietly powerful, academic and warm and can turn your world inside out and upside down. ( See my 6/17/2011 post: "My advisor is Dr. Julia Hersberger-Professor of Library and Information Studies at UNC-G" for more.)
Dr. Carmichael is an amazing spirit, a master storyteller, open, self-deprecating, warm and encouranging, as he twirls his long mustache. He turned research into magic, empowering and challenging us to embark on a journey of locating information, wherever it lives. I would love to read his autobiography!
Compiling my first bibliography about the bacteriophage was extremely gratifying. Despite some of my limitations, I proved to myself that I was capable of understanding very difficult text, out of my field, and explain it back in a clear and concise way.
On Tuesday Dr. Hersberger would rock my world, and I learned what it means: "The more you learn, the less you know" as we tried to apply definitions to what we thought were the simplest of words, like library, information, knowledge.
On Wednesday Dr. Carmichael says things out of the blue, like: "If any of you doubts your ability, or right to be here, I'm here to tell you that you're fine." I think Dr. Carmichael is a mind reader in addition to his other gifts. Dr. Hersberger has that same mysterious ability to talk to everyone and make it feel like they are talking directly to me.
"When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear."
Hsin Hsin Ming
I was lucky enough to begin my continued education in Fall 2011, with what I call the Dream-Team, Dr. Hersberger and Dr. Carmichael, for two required courses, Intro to Library, and Research. I don't think I would have realized that Library School was the right place for me if I had started my coursework with any two other classes or professors.
I started Library School, beaten down and unsure.
Was I worth going into debt to go to school when I never even used my undergrad degree professionally?
While I raised three children successfully, and have had brushes with fame as a performing singer-songwriter, I have never been able to fit into the confines of a responsible job, preferring what I call Gypsy Jobs, such as waiting tables, and cleaning houses, living on the edge with my mind free, rolling with the roller coaster of bi-polarism, and putting the roundy rounds of a.d.d. to use.
Any responsibility besides my dedication to my children felt like an unbearable anchor on my shoulders, one I couldn't bear.
I taught 5th grade from Dec. to May in the early 90's and never went back. I was a star when I did my coursework for being a teacher, but the real job did not translate.
I felt hopelessly overwhelmed.
I lacked the air of authority and matter-of-factness crucial to a successful teacher.
I wanted to mother the children like my own and take them on learning adventures (!) but it was impossible.
Teaching and mothering, it turned out, were very different, something I had not realized while in school. First and foremost, a teacher has to have total control over his/her classroom to even begin to teach.
I realized the time and dedication it would take to become what I considered to be a good teacher was more than I could promise. I'd rather be a good mother/bum than a good teacher/frantic, overwhelmed, burnt-out-on-children-mother.
It looked absurd, even to me, paying my college loans with my waitress tips, and dancing on the edge of poverty with three children, but there you have it.
It is all I could do.
I could only function when my mind and expectations were my own in a job that was easy to find and easy to leave, and flexible enough to always be available for my childrens' special events.
I preferred renting our houses because if you have "nothing," you have nothing to lose.
I preferred putting my worst foot forward, flying under the radar and being invisible, for it gives you miles of freedom in your head.
I refused ceilings as man-made, replacing ceilings with sky. There I found vaulting freedom.
So....am I worth going into debt to go to Library School when I never even used my undergrad degree professionally? Will I do the same thing? Love the school part and hate the real job?
Fortunately, I had Dr. Hersberger and Dr. Carmichael in my first semester, both amazing, inspiring teachers.
The comaraderie I feel and the friendships I've made with my classmates are due to Dr. Hersberger's thought-provoking, but fun, interactive games. She's quietly powerful, academic and warm and can turn your world inside out and upside down. ( See my 6/17/2011 post: "My advisor is Dr. Julia Hersberger-Professor of Library and Information Studies at UNC-G" for more.)
Dr. Carmichael is an amazing spirit, a master storyteller, open, self-deprecating, warm and encouranging, as he twirls his long mustache. He turned research into magic, empowering and challenging us to embark on a journey of locating information, wherever it lives. I would love to read his autobiography!
Compiling my first bibliography about the bacteriophage was extremely gratifying. Despite some of my limitations, I proved to myself that I was capable of understanding very difficult text, out of my field, and explain it back in a clear and concise way.
On Tuesday Dr. Hersberger would rock my world, and I learned what it means: "The more you learn, the less you know" as we tried to apply definitions to what we thought were the simplest of words, like library, information, knowledge.
On Wednesday Dr. Carmichael says things out of the blue, like: "If any of you doubts your ability, or right to be here, I'm here to tell you that you're fine." I think Dr. Carmichael is a mind reader in addition to his other gifts. Dr. Hersberger has that same mysterious ability to talk to everyone and make it feel like they are talking directly to me.
"When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear."
Hsin Hsin Ming
Sunday, June 26, 2011
KD Rouse: Thoughts on the Library
Despite my reservations about the potential to ruin a personal haven by working there, (See One Legged Larry & Leery of the Library. KD Rouse. Exploration of Internet Publishing and Promotion Blog. June 17th., 4:42 pm post) I have just successfully completed my first year of Library School at University of North Carolina at Greensboro.
While I have not actually worked in a library, the library has not lost its luster under scrutiny. My admiration and devotion for the library grows as I learn of its heart, brains and guts. It is a place of dreams, and unapologetic triumph, endless destinations, and social reform, manned by a diverse array of unassuming, but fierce defenders of free speech, social equality, and intellectual freedom.
To me, the library is the most successful institution in its marriage to the ideals ensured to us by the U.S. constitution. It is fluid, responding, rising, changing as information builds and morphs to new systems of delivery, driven by technology.
The American Library Association, (ALA) the primary professional association for librarians, embraces a clear mission steeped with workable idealism, proving its dedication and success in implementing social reform and invoking and enforcing our constitutional rights by its history. The ALA provides cohesiveness to the group charged with guarding open and easy access information for all, in an environment of dizzying change.
The ALA has a proud history and matter-of-fact presence, while it keeps a vigilant eye on the future.
When I walk into a library, I leave the frenzied world behind. I am welcome, no matter who I am or what I look like. It is warm when I am cold, cool when I am hot.
I smell equality, freedom, and the scent of books, and I can wander whereever I will and pick books like posies in any bouquet that strikes my fancy.
My library card is used and worn, but the thrill of being allowed to take books home with me never fades.
I leave with anticipation, happy with the heaviness of my bag.
I devour them behind closed doors, selfish and demanding, using them, then returning them without remorse when I am done.
While I have not actually worked in a library, the library has not lost its luster under scrutiny. My admiration and devotion for the library grows as I learn of its heart, brains and guts. It is a place of dreams, and unapologetic triumph, endless destinations, and social reform, manned by a diverse array of unassuming, but fierce defenders of free speech, social equality, and intellectual freedom.
To me, the library is the most successful institution in its marriage to the ideals ensured to us by the U.S. constitution. It is fluid, responding, rising, changing as information builds and morphs to new systems of delivery, driven by technology.
The American Library Association, (ALA) the primary professional association for librarians, embraces a clear mission steeped with workable idealism, proving its dedication and success in implementing social reform and invoking and enforcing our constitutional rights by its history. The ALA provides cohesiveness to the group charged with guarding open and easy access information for all, in an environment of dizzying change.
The ALA has a proud history and matter-of-fact presence, while it keeps a vigilant eye on the future.
When I walk into a library, I leave the frenzied world behind. I am welcome, no matter who I am or what I look like. It is warm when I am cold, cool when I am hot.
I smell equality, freedom, and the scent of books, and I can wander whereever I will and pick books like posies in any bouquet that strikes my fancy.
My library card is used and worn, but the thrill of being allowed to take books home with me never fades.
I leave with anticipation, happy with the heaviness of my bag.
I devour them behind closed doors, selfish and demanding, using them, then returning them without remorse when I am done.
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