If you need to save your children and yourself and keep the man you love, or once loved, from killing you and and/or your kids, and if its not too late and you still have a few months, this recipe is for you.
First we need to talk:
You can't stay for the children.
You think you are protecting them by keeping your family together.
The children are hurt even if you take all the blows and escape to beautiful parks and playgrounds where there is joy and laughter.
You keep going home and the fun is over.
You live in a house of fear.
Your children are suffering, so don't stay for them if a house of fear is where you live.
Try as you might with all your fingers and toes in the dike, you can't protect your children from seeing, and hearing, and feeling all the sickening, nauseating, terrifying terror of violence in the home.
Your beautiful babies may grow up and repeat the horrors they endured in an attempt to make sense of the senseless.
And right now, your beautiful babies are sick with fear, bewildered, and angry at their own helplessness, blaming themselves. All children do.
Tell them none of this is their fault and explain why.
Because children blame themselves, and you are or soon will be a single-mother, the tradional rules for childrearing are different than in a two family home.
Your children will need to be kept more informed than children in a functional two parent home. In a two-parent home, it is rightfully taboo to conspire with your children.
The rules have to change for a mother escaping violence with her children.
If you are buying time, you must conspire with the children to be out of sight and ready to leave quickly if their father gets home in "one of those moods." Have a codeword and a plan of action if you need to leave home quickly "to give Daddy some time to unwind."
Have a plan for where to go and don't make it grim or focus on the scary. Once on the road, you can high five a speedy exit and go have some fun.
There are many fun places to go if daddy only needs a few hours, like the park, the library, the nature trail, the public pool. If it is something like a drunken binge that lasts longer, visit Aunt Sarah, or Grandma Suzy or someone you've picked out and checked with ahead of time.
Your child's environment doesn't have to be grim even if grim things are happening. You, as their mother, create your childrens environment, and as a mother it is up to you to reach beyond protecting them to give them inspiration and wondrous things to experience. It is up to you to provide bounteous roses for your children to smell. You can fall apart later, but not now. Now you wear your head of logic and run through fields picking posies.
Keep food, clothes and entertainiment for the children hidden in the car
Let Mr. Spock or your inner Robot keep you from infusing your language with bitterness against your childrens father. You have every right too feel the way you do, but it hurts your children to speak badly of their father. They carry half his genes, and you do not want them to feel cursed or ashamed by their heritage. When they are teenagers, your children will turn on you if you fill their childhood with slurs against the abusive parent. You will push them to find reasons to defend him and his behavior, and this is not the outcome you desire.
So whatever you do, do not say bad things now or in the future. Point out his good attributes when you can, and explain that their father is "sick sometimes" or how "sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are angry."
Vent to other adults when your children are not there to overhear. The fruit of this decision takes many years before it is evident, but if you refuse to say negative things about your abuser, your childrens' father, it will be worth it when they are grown.
Children do not thrive in this environment, nor do they have much hope of future happiness.
Your love has kept you there; Use the depth of your love to leave.
You are beaten down. You are heartsick over the man who can be so loving until his eyes grow black and he beats you like a stranger.
You are disappointed because your love couldn't soothe and calm his sometimes savage soul; when the world could finally see him as you do.
You are exhausted from the cycle where you tiptoe not to set him off, and what sets him off changes so it happens again, and he's sorry and you make another mental note of what not to do, and what not to do. You do this over and over until you don't even know who you are, how to be, how to feel, or where to stand any more.
Maybe deep down, maybe on the surface, you think he must be right. You are stupid and worthless, no one else will ever want you, you can't do anything right, you are subhuman: not worthy of kissing the underside of his shoe, much less keeping a decent house and raising his children.
You are embarrassed because it is embarrassing, and maybe people warned you and you didn't listen.
Maybe you've never worked outside the home before and are terrified of how to make money.
You might not understand it yet because you are still a victim, but to raise your children vigilantly, you can't stay a victim for too long.
At first, every day is like a support group. What you have endured is never far from your mind or your conversation. You freeze at the sound of broken glass and raised voices, and even the new cashier at Walgreens knows bits of your story.
Unfortunately, as an adult, you have played an active part in your abuse, supporting your abuser while you struggle with unresolved issues of self-worth and childhood violence lurking in your past. You fit a stereo-type. You were born for the part you've played and if your escape is to be successful, you must face this issue or it will happen again and again, if not with the father of your children, then with some other man, and if that doesn't work, another man.
You will never have any kind of healthy relationship and you will fail at your prime objective to protect and nurture your children in the long term if you do not recognise your part in domestic violence, identify and challenge the causes, and fight for your life.
You are a participant called an enabler and somehow, I don't know how they know, somehow abusers always find us. So after your bruises have faded and your bones healed, you must learn to stop thinking like a victim. Victims are helpless and to lead your children to a new land, you must be strong.
Your abuser is not a monster. He has or did have many charming, loveable traits, but now he has a problem with anger that you cannot fix. The same unresolved issues of self-worth resound within him, also probably due to childhood trauma, and being male, he has probably not been encouraged to share his feelings or express his emotions other than anger. The abuser has the added burden of being reviled by society, making it more likely that he will defend his behavior rather than seek treatment for anger management.
His issues cannot be your focus now. You are not the one who can convince him he needs help. You cannot help him. You are the target for his anger, and you and your children are in danger. If he is angry enough, he is capable of hurting your children to hurt you even if he's never done so before.
Operation Empower Thyself Begins.
So. somehow, now, you are expected to deliver yourself and your children from danger, make enough money to sustain everyone, and be steadfast in your vow to keep your children from harm, and deliver them safely and happily to successful adulthood, while you address the issues within yourself to prevent repeating the whole, dreadful mess.
I can think of dozens of circumstances where this recipe would be useless.
All I can do is tell you what worked for me, and also identify where my recipe could be improved in hindsight, maybe saving you some time.
Who I Didn't Go to for Help:
(Ignore if you are in immediate danger.)
Police: Involving police makes your life harder.
It makes him angrier, then more contrite, and then angrier still, and as if that's not enough, now you have to be humiliated and demeaned in a heartless courtroom full of the other poor and downtrodden and the judge will have the power to make you and your abuser dance like puppets with things that don't helpl a bit, and then charge you exorbitant fees for the privelage. And in the end, you are no safer, you have less money and he has something more to be angry about. Plenty of women have died with protection papers in their purse.
The Prime Objective
The Prime Objective is and forever will be your childrens' safety and well-being, including their long-range happiness and success as an adult. Remembering this like a mantra will serve as a guide in the choices you make now and in the future for you and your children.
Ask yourself when you wonder if you should or not, and be honest: Is this in my childrens best interest?
You will find out, if not now, soon, that what is best for your children is also best for you, the mother of your children, who needs to be treated with kindness and compassion, as she keeps a cool head to navigate what lies ahead.
You have every right to be a crying emotional mess, only there's no time. If you want to keep your vow to nurture the children you gave birth to and deliver them from harm asap, then you need a cool head.
To achieve a cool head when you are overwhelmed with sickening emotions, ask yourself 'If I was a robot, what would I do?'
My logic-evoking question was 'What would Mr. Spock do?'
Thinking of Mr. Spock, half man, half Vulucan, balancing logic with illogic, calmed me down, cheered me up and then made me think like I imagined Spock would, without the clutter of so much useless emotion.
Whenever Spock raised one brow and told me I was 'Highly Illogical,' I straightened up and took notes.
What You Need Before You Leave
You need money to leave and if you don't have any of your own, you are going to have to find a way to get it in order to move to an apartment. Usually you need a security deposit, first and last month's rent to get in, plus security deposits for utilities.
You need a secret savings account with no evidence of it lying around the house, and a job where you are paid in cash or tips. Convince him to let you wait tables, part-time, to help out. Choose a busy, family restaurant, or a fine dining restaurant if you have the skills for maximum tips. He is already suspicious, possessive and jealous. He is used to owning you, having isolated you from your friends and family, chipping and bashing away your self-esteem. He won't let you go easily. For now, follow his demands to call him an absurd number of times. Go home right after work, making a deposit in your secret bank account on your way.
If the amount you make is variable, then you can skim money off the top and deposit it on your way home. Leave no evidence of your secret bank account or you could be in grave danger.
If he won't let you work outside the home, find secret ways of income: bake an extra pie to sell to the neighbor or take your kids with you to babysit so he won't know. Whatever it is, find a source of untraceable income and save until you have enough to get an apartment for you and your children.
Join a Church, even if you are not religious, or an Atheists Group or whatever. It will get you around people again. It will provide a wholesome environment for the children for the time being, and help you get out of the house with an activity that is most likely to be acceptable to your abuser. If you bring up the subject of attending church at his mother's house while he and his mother are both present, it will look bad for him to prevent you and the children going to church.
You are going to call upon your Church to help you in a big way, so this relationship is worth cultivating.
The Church people are going to help you and the children on moving day. Swarms of sweet, Church-people, will show up on moving day and move you and your children to your new apartment. His eyes are not likely to go black with hatred amidst your crowd of kind do-gooders.
Take only what you need. If there is only one tv, leave it. You are trying to do nothing to set him off. You are trying to give him no reason at all to hunt you and your children down.
Letting Go of Material Possessions and Why
Ordinarily a mother with children is awarded custody and gets the house. If you are in a violent household, forcing a man to leave his home will make you a target and you will never live in that house without fear, nor will your children.
Let go. Walk away. You can get another house. If you fight him, he will get angrier. Defuse this by not fighting for material possesions.
Get legal custody for your children with a separation agreement. Give him the house. Then move yourself and the kids to an apartment complex with plenty of people around, no blind spots, on the 2nd floor or higher. Include his parents in visitation, ideally with all visits with daddy under the watchful eye of Grandma. It doesn't matter if they hate you as long as they love your children, their grandchildren and will protect them. Daddy is not so likely to act up with his parents there and he can assume whatever role Grandma and Grandpa agree too. This also allows you to talk and make arrangements with Grandma rather than speak to her son directly.
Get child support through the court system. It takes personalities out of it, it is required if you are forced to go on food stamps, and they will enforce child support so that you are not the entire target of his anger.
How To Manage At the Beginning
If you do not have a decent job, you need to go to school. Your local community college has two year degrees that can land you a job making good money as soon as you graduate. You want a degree that leads to a job in demand: dental hygienist, nurse, X-ray tech, ultra-sound tech, welder, computer tech, etc. Community colleges have on-line and paper catalogs to peruse. They are also very friendly and willing to talk to you about your options.
Not only is your new career going to sustain you and your children in the future, going to school is going to
serve many other functions, all beneficial.
It will give you a new focus.
It will give you your self-worth back.
His voice telling you how worthless and stupid you are will be replaced by many educated voices telling you otherwise.
While you will have a school loan in the end, as a low-income single mother, you will qualify for Pell grants and scholarships. You will have help with childcare and have extra money to live on as you navigate these first two tricky years of escape. You will have a plan in place for the future and have a safety net for now if you go back to school.
To Review:
Make an escape plan with your children and keep it light-hearted and fun
Join a Church (With his mother's support) Even consider going to her church
Find a way to make cash, preferably waitressing, to deposit in your secret bank account
Get a separation agreement giving you custody. Trade him the house or anything and everything to get full custody of your children
Try to make his visitation likely to occur at his mother's house. Try to keep a good relationship with her
Get an apartment for you and your children, one with lots of people, no hidden spots, on the 2nd floor or higher
Arrange for the Church people to descend on moving day and move quickly
Enroll in school choosing a degree program that leads to a well paying job that is in demand.
So...this is one plan of escape.
You need your cool head to plan your escape.
If violence is escalating in your home, you need to act, you need to plan it carefully and go.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you'll have to cry later.
For now, put on your Big Girl Panties, suck it up, and save your children and their mother, whom they need and love.
Through all this be kind to yourself. Your childrens' mother needs your compassion as you lead your family to safety and laughter.
Do not date or think of dating. You are not out of danger.
1) He will know if there is a hint of another man and it will make him angry.
2) You have enough to do trying to give your children happy childhoods, remaining vigilant, going to school, changing your life
3) Until the causes of your role of enabler are known to you and addressed in a life changing way, the abusers will find you. They come in all shapes and sizes but they can all find us. An abusive stepfather is worse than an abusive father and you will have accomplished nothing.
Do not bring men to your house and never let them meet your children.
1) If you break the rules and date anyway because you are lonely and don't feel like you can do it alone, wait until your relationship lasts 3 years or more before he gets to meet your children.
2) Ideally, you will buy a vibrator, develop your imagination, and only date when your children are safe and happy at their Grandmas. Find a bed buddy rather than a boyfriend.
3) You can't trust your judgement with men, so don't bring them to your home and expose your children to them.
4) You will make your ex angry and jealous. Let him move on and date. You must wait. These first few years remain volatile and you cannot risk setting him off.
5) If you break the rules and find out you are dating an abuser: Slam the door as fast as possible and thank your lucky stars you caught it so fast.
Another Word of Caution
It melts a mothers heart when a cook at her restaurant invites her and her children out to eat pizza. He gives the children money and more money for computer game tokens. He loves children and laughs at their antics instead of getting mad. His hands are warm and big and safe and he compliments her and listens when she talks. He invites her to bring her children to swim and she does because he is so nice. He playfully holds the children down under the water just a little too long and laughs.
She doesn't think it one bit funny and tells him so. She never wants to see him again and says so. She is ready to take her children and go home when he throws her into the pool with all her waitress clothes on, due at work in less than an hour. She never does see him again. He disappears from her restaurant as suddenly as he appeared.
Detectives come to her door several days later trying to track down her date, the cook from nowhere. He killed his wife in New York last year.
Reiteration
Your judgement is askew. You have terrible taste in men.
Knowing this, you are going to have to forego romance for the time being.
Immerse yourself in your children, your education, and yourself before you even think about dating. Do not attempt to add a stepfather into the equation.
Until you are cured of the enabler curse, use a vibrator, and only date men friends when your children are gone for the weekend.
Never bring men to your house and never let them meet your children unless you have about three years of proof positive secret dating behind you.
Always, always remember your prime objective to protect and nurture your children, and check your decisions by this creed. If what is good for them is good for you and vice versa then its a green light.
It is difficult to leave. You know it and I know it.
But he will kill you if you stay, and who will protect your children then?
So put on your Cool Head, and your Big Girl Panties, and plan what to do and how to do it.
It is difficult to leave an abusive relationship but not impossible.
If I did it, you can too, even if you have to make up your own recipe.
You can do it. You can do it. You can do it, and you must.
It is better to raise children in a non-violent one-parent household than to have a two-parent house of fear.
It is difficult to leave, but not impossible.
If I could do it, so can you.
