My Prime Directive Changes...and Changes

The vow to nurture my children, and deliver them safely to adulthood was my prime objective, and fueled my journey through many trials for 30 or so years. While I remain their devoted mother forever, my job is done. They are grown. I have to find new reasons to go on.

Depression is a beast, mania, a constant struggle to channel.
Apparently I suffer delusions, and there is no convincing my doctors otherwise.
But I hear songs no one else hears.
It seems natural to me that I would see a thing here or there that no one else sees.
I can function in this world, but just barely.
I think it is the strain of so much input that sabatages my attempts to join the world in a meaningful way job-wise.
My system goes haywire in the marketplace.
My hearing gets better, my vision gets worse.
Florescent lighting, beeps, and blings, the stares, the summations, the emotions swirling are loud, so loud.
I hate it.
Maybe there is a name for it, but I try not to listen to names, for you can believe your label and maybe think you're sick when you just have different wiring, just a little tricky to handle, even with meds.

So as good as I am at "book-learning," I have never been able to translate what I can do into a "real" job, and have been forced to be one of the working poor, paying my college loans out of my tip money.

My every attempt at a higher paying job began with me bucking myself up and then squishing myself into the part. It never worked, not even once. I've had to accept that I can only be what I am and find the job that can benefit from what I've learned.

My decision to go to Library School was made by scanning the world for a real job where I could fit. I refuse to end my life begging and borrowing from my children, eating turnips and wondering how to pay the light bill. I thought I had a real chance of being able to stay at a job in the library. I could use my B.S. and I could prevent being a burden to my children in the future.

Going to Library School has opened my eyes.
Librarians can work in a wide variety of settings.
You just have to find your niche.